


the ghost of you

by agroovymutant



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Depression, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Hallucinations, Human Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Pining, Resurrection, self-destructive behaviour, semi finale compliant but at the same time fuck that shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29002137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agroovymutant/pseuds/agroovymutant
Summary: the super angsty, twilight-inspired widower arc fix-it no one asked forfor ambra 💜===He misses Cas; there’s no denying it. He may not talk about it – something that clearly worries Sam – but he misses the angel more than he ever has before. Perhaps that’swhyit’s so much harder for him to speak about it this time. Or perhaps it’s the fact that there is something different about it now, something that makes Dean feel as though there’s no way he can get Cas back. It feelsfinalthis time and he has so many regrets about the things he left unsaid.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester (side pairing)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49





	the ghost of you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [starsandgutters](https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandgutters/gifts).



> if the start of this fic (the only bit that is actually supposed to be canon-compliant) doesn't properly match the finale it's because i refuse to watch that utter trash again so i've written it from memory 🙃 fuck u andrew dabb 🙃

Dean Winchester had never expected to make it to thirty, let alone forty-one, but somehow, against all odds, he was still here. Somehow, against all odds, he and his brother had saved the world again. Defeated Chuck – literally _God_ – and watched the freakin’ kid they _raised_ become the new God, and bring all their friends back from the dead.

Well, almost all of them.

Dean tries to be happy with what they have. He tries to be happy now that he’s free, but every day his heart grows heavier.

He misses Cas; there’s no denying it. He may not talk about it – something that clearly worries Sam – but he misses the angel more than he ever has before. Perhaps that’s _why_ it’s so much harder for him to speak about it this time. Or perhaps it’s the fact that there is something different about it now, something that makes Dean feel as though there’s no way he can get Cas back. It feels _final_ this time and he has so many regrets about the things he left unsaid.

He still hasn’t told Sam what happened, how Cas had–

But Dean can’t bring himself to broach the topic. Every now and then Sam will make a passing comment about Cas – trying to be subtle, urging Dean to reveal more – but Dean will just swallow hard and bottle up his feelings like he always has, avoiding the question and quickly excusing himself to the privacy of his own room to break down in.

It’s not too long before they go back to hunting; Sam is more eager than ever, but Dean’s heart isn’t in it anymore. He feels old – much older than he is – and _tired_. He’s lost too much.

(And he feels guilty. Guilty, after all Cas had told him about how _everything he did was for love_ and how he wasn’t a _blunt instrument_ made only for killing, that now he’s finally free, he’s gone straight back to hunting. He feels guilty when he catches himself thinking _maybe it is all I’m good at_.)

===

It’s been a couple of weeks since Cas _left_ – Dean can’t even bring himself to _think_ the words – and he and Sam have gotten into an odd new routine. Though they are still hunting, they are living a strangely domestic life at the bunker in the time in between. Every day Dean gets up, makes his bed, and feeds and walks Miracle, before settling into a chair to do research, or heading out on a case.

Having a routine helps keep Dean’s mind off of other things and, while he’s aware that it’s definitely not the healthiest way to go about his life, he just can’t bring himself to actually talk to anyone about his feelings.

===

It’s been three days since their last hunt and Dean is desperate for a distraction, so when he sees the ad for the pie festival he thinks _hey, better than nothing_.

When Sam asks Dean “you sure you’re ready for this?” as they exit the Impala, Dean knows what he’s talking about; this is the first time Dean’s left the bunker for something other than a hunt since _it_ happened. He ignores this though, in favour of cracking a joke, just like the old Dean would.

When Sam laughs about the tears in Dean’s eyes, Dean goes along with it, pretends like they’re because of his love of _pie_. Like he’s just _that_ excited for it, as he always would have been before; like he’s not just there as a distraction from feeling like he’s dying inside.

He smiles at Sam, though he knows Sam sees right through him.

He pointedly ignores the constant drum in his head of _I wish Cas were here._

_===_

Dean gets every flavour of pie, despite the bile already rising in his throat warning him he probably won’t be able to even finish his first bite.

Sam’s got a face on as Dean settles down on the bench with his full tray, and Dean stupidly asks him what’s wrong. When Sam brings up Cas, Dean’s almost angry; he came here as a way of distraction, not to talk about the feelings he’s been pointedly ignoring for the last fortnight – and why was Sam doing this in public? Dean may act as though he’s fine when Sam brings Cas up but there’s no way his brother doesn’t notice how quickly he disappears to his room after those painful and short conversations.

Dean tries not to glare at Sam as he clears his throat and offhandedly spouts some bullshit about how they’ll _carry the pain of the ones they’ve lost forever_ , while holding back tears.

When Sam pies him in the face it’s almost a relief that he can let his happy façade slip.

===

Somehow they manage to find a case – it’s like trouble just follows them wherever they go. Before now, Dean had assumed that it was just Chuck writing in these coincidental cases, but maybe the Winchesters were actually just that unlucky.

It’s a very simple case and it doesn’t take them long to find the vamps responsible. Dean is surprised to see someone they’ve encountered before – best not to make the mistake of letting her go again. It all seems too simple to Dean, everything is going too smoothly. Nothing ever goes _that_ well for them, so why would it now? Maybe it was this thinking that jinxed it, but all of a sudden he’s pressed against a pole in the barn, acutely aware of something _in_ his back.

He can feel a wet, stickiness dripping down his spine and he suddenly realises that he can’t move.

 _Damn_ , he thinks to himself, _I didn’t think today would be the day._

As he begs Sam to stay with him – so sure this is it for him, _desperate_ not to be alone at the end – his surroundings become a blur. He’s babbling nonsense, unsure if he’s actually saying half the stuff he thinks he is or if it’s just in his head; if he’s lost consciousness and is imagining all this while he’s slowly dying in Sammy’s arms.

He hears a noise in the distance and his eyes flick up to somewhere above Sam’s shoulder where a dark-haired figure approaches.

Dean smiles. He’s come for him – his angel.

Dean can make out a look of concern on the other man’s face as he draws closer. He fights to stay conscious but can feel the darkness closing in around him as his eyelids grow heavy. The last thing he sees before his vision blacks out and his head lolls forwards are Castiel’s bright blue eyes staring down at him.

===

Dean awakes to the slow, rhythmic beep of machines and a strong smell only associated with hospitals. He’s in a small, private room, and outside the window, the sky is dark. Sam is hunched over, asleep in an uncomfortable-looking plastic chair next to his bed.

Dean yawns, he still feels exhausted but he’s glad he’s awake and no longer in the garbled nonsense of a nightmare he’d been having. He doesn’t remember much but it left him with a very uneasy feeling. He vaguely remembers Bobby and Sam being there… and Bobby had told him he was in Heaven? But Cas wasn’t there, so Dean thinks it felt more like Hell.

 _Cas_. Dean glances round the room, but Cas is nowhere to be seen. He frowns; it’s unusual for the angel not to stick around to check up on him, perhaps he’d gone to get Sam a coffee or something?

Dean could do with a coffee. His mouth feels dry, and there’s a dull ache in his lower back, but despite this he feels better than he has in weeks. Dean smiles to himself, with Cas back, maybe things can finally go back to normal. Or maybe he can even find the courage to move their relationship to the next stage… if that’s something Cas wants.

Dean spots a cup of water on his bedside table and tries to reach for it, but pain immediately shoots through his body. His loud hiss wakes his sleeping brother.

“Dean,” Sam whisper shouts, immediately jumping out of his chair and moving closer to the bed. “Oh my god, you’re awake.”

“Sammy,” Dean tries to say, but his throat is so dry it comes out as more of a cough.

Sam grabs a cup of water from Dean’s bedside table and insists on helping his brother drink it, while Dean glares at him, clearly thinking he could do it himself.

“Thanks, Mom,” Dean growls after Sam puts the water back down. The room is silent for a minute while Sam just stares at Dean, a slight look of disbelief on his face. “I thought I was a gonner, Sammy,” Dean says eventually.

“God, Dean. I thought so too! I was so worried. You started spurting all this stuff about 'this being the end' and babbling about the night you came to get me from college and–”

“Was it Cas?” Dean interrupts, not interested in hearing whatever rubbish his subconscious seemed to think was a good dying speech.

“What?” Sam asks, his eyes narrowing.

“Cas? Did he save me?”

“Dean…” Suddenly, Sam looks very worried. He wrings his hands and glances around the room as if he expects someone else to turn up and take over what he clearly thinks is an extremely difficult conversation. Eventually, he says, “Don’t you remember? Cas is dead.”

“Well, I mean, I know that,” Dean replies and Sam looks relieved. “But I figured he came back. I saw him when I– when I thought I was dying. I saw Cas.” Sam looks at him like he’s grown an extra head. “He appeared to me, so I just assumed he was the reason I’m still alive; got his angel mojo back or whatever.”

Sam looks heartbroken, and the small spark of hope Dean had been feeling immediately dies.

“Dean, Cas wasn’t there. I called an ambulance, _that’s_ the reason you’re still alive. I’m so sorry; I think you must have been dreaming.”

Oh.

Dean suddenly feels very sick.

It makes sense, of course. Why would he be in a hospital if Cas had been able to heal him?

Dean shuts his eyes, unable to bear the pitying look on his brother’s face and unwilling to let him see the tears threatening to fall.

===

It’s a couple of weeks before Sam lets Dean accompany him on a hunt again, despite Dean’s protests that he’s _completely fine_ and the wound _wasn’t that serious_.

It’s a pretty typical case for them; small town near a large forest, bodies turning up mauled with their hearts missing, no witnesses. The local sheriff suspects a large wolf or a bear roaming the woods. The brothers had been following up separate leads, but both point to the same conclusion; a family of werewolves living in a small cabin on the outskirts of the forest. They arrange to meet near the cabin and plan their attack.

Dean gets there first, having driven the Impala. It’s not a large town, so Sam had opted to walk to meet Dean. He has been waiting half an hour and Sam still hasn’t arrived.

 _“Don’t go in without me,”_ Sam had told him, but Dean quickly grows bored.

 _Pretty sure I can take these guys myself_ , Dean thinks as he grabs his gear from the trunk and makes his way towards the small cabin.

He hears Cas’ voice in his head as he nears the door.

“ _This is reckless and idiotic, Dean. You should wait for Sam.”_

For a second he thinks he sees Cas out of the corner of his eye, but when he turns to look, there’s nothing but thick forest. He shakes his head as he hypes himself up for the fight.

He crashes through the door and the three werewolves inside immediately bare their teeth. The mother springs in front of her two children, pushing them back in a protective movement. Dean dodges as she jumps towards him, grabbing the son and shoving him against the wall. Normally it would be more of a struggle but the children are clearly inexperienced in a fight and Dean has no problem lopping the boy’s head off with one swing of his machete. This turns out to be a bad idea; both the mother and daughter immediately scream in anguish and the mother again pounces towards Dean. This time he doesn’t have time to dodge and is knocked to the floor.

They struggle for a minute and Dean finds himself wishing he had waited for Sam.

“ _I did warn you, Dean,_ ” comes a voice from somewhere above him.

“Cas?” Dean gasps as he stares over the werewolf’s shoulder at the figure standing over them.

“What? No,” replies a very different voice as a shot rings out and the mother collapses on top of Dean. Gasping, he pushes the body off of himself and jumps to his feet in time to see Sam tucking his gun back into his waistband. “I told you _not to go in without me,_ Dean!” he growls angrily.

But Dean isn’t listening. Shoving Sam out of the way, he glances around the small cabin; no one but the two of them in sight. He runs outside, but all he finds there is the lifeless body of the werewolf daughter lying on the path. Not a trace of his blue-eyed angel.

**===**

That isn’t the last time it happens.

He sees Cas again on the next hunt, with a small coven of witches, and the one after that with a wendigo. Wherever Dean runs into trouble, Cas is always there. Dean resigns himself to the fact that his grief has driven him mad. He keeps Sam in the dark about his hallucinations, but his brother isn’t stupid and is clearly growing suspicious.

The final straw for Sam comes when he enters the kitchen one afternoon to find Dean trying to bandage a large, bloody gash on his hand, arguing heatedly with thin air.

_It had been a couple of days since Dean had eaten anything; lately, he had really lost his appetite. He had been making himself a sandwich when his already shaking hand had slipped, resulting in a large cut running down his middle finger and across his thumb._

_Really, he was lucky to still_ have _his thumb, but Fake Cas clearly didn’t see it that way._

_“Why are you being so careless?” the hallucination had demanded as Dean held his hand in the air and grabbed for the first aid kit._

_Dean had ignored him in favour of attempting to stem the flow of blood gushing from his wound but the angel had not stopped nagging, and eventually, Dean had snapped._

_“Oh, I dunno,” he growled as he clumsily tied a bandage around his hand. “My best friend told me he loved me like three weeks ago but I don’t know what he meant by it because he’s an angel and I didn’t know they even_ could _love, and there’s no way of me ever finding out what he meant or even_ responding _to it because he managed to get himself taken to some_ stupid _angel afterlife that I have_ no idea _how to get him back from, so I’m never going to fuckin’ see him again!” Dean was on the brink of tears at this point, “And every day I feel like I’m dying a little more inside because I miss him so much. I can’t sleep because of the nightmares, I can barely think – I can barely even_ breathe _. So sorry if I’m a little bit distracted!” Dean screamed as he slammed the first aid kit down on the table._

_It was at that moment Sam had walked in._

“What the hell is going on with you?” Sam shouts, as he smacks Dean’s hand away from the terrible bandaging job and grabs the first aid kit to sort it out himself.

“Nothing, I’m fine!” Dean yells back defensively.

“No, Dean. You’re not,” Sam barks as he pushes Dean into a chair and begins to clean the blood off of his hand. “I just walked in on you bleeding everywhere and yelling at the wall, you’re very far from _fine_ ,” his voice softens as he continues. “You’ve been distracted lately, careless - _reckless_. I’m _worried_ about you, Dean. Please just talk to me. Talk to me about what happened with Cas, you’ve not been the same since then.”

“What do you want me to say?” Dean answers quickly, avoiding eye contact, knowing he’s seconds away from tears. “This isn’t the first time we’ve lost him. You _know_ it always hits me hard; he’s my best friend and this time… I just don’t think he’s coming back.”

“Don’t say that Dean. We just gotta keep researching, y’know, I’m sure we’ll find something.”

“If there was a way, don’t you think Jack would have brought him back with everyone else?” Dean says, finally meeting Sam’s eye. Sam is silent at this, not sure how to counter such a logical argument. Dean just sighs as he pulls his hand from Sam’s grip and gets up to leave.

“Dean,” Sam begins as Dean turns to leave the kitchen. “I know how you feel abou–”

“I _can’t_ talk about this, Sammy. I just can’t.”

===

After the kitchen incident, they don’t discuss Cas again, but Dean notices Sam doing a lot more research than normal. Sam has banned Dean from hunts for a while, telling him he needs to rest, and he enlists the help of Eileen for any cases he can’t designate to other hunters.

It's weeks before Dean manages to convince Sam he’s fit to return to work, and at this point, Dean almost believes it himself. The nightmares are still going strong but his appetite has returned slightly and he hasn’t seen Fake Cas since that day in the kitchen.

The case he’s finally allowed to accompany Sam on is a demon hunt. The brothers track them to an abandoned farm and easily ambush them inside the house, it seems as though the arrogant demons had not even seen them coming. There are only two there and he and Sam each take one on. While Sam fights with the female, Dean lunges for the male but he makes his escape out the door.

Sam yells at Dean to go and, with a glance at his brother to confirm he'll be okay, Dean follows the other demon. The young demon leads Dean towards a nearby barn and as soon as Dean steps foot inside he realises he has walked into a trap. Three more demons await him.

The new demons all immediately lunge at Dean and he rolls out of their path, grabbing the young demon he had followed into the barn and stabbing him with his demon blade. The three remaining demons growl and pursue him, and Dean gracefully dodges their incoming attacks. He has just narrowly blocked an attack from the male demon, kicking him off of his feet, and pushed the youngest female a few meters across the room, when he hears a voice in his ear.

" _Dean_ ," Cas growls angrily. " _Watch what you're doing!_ "

Dean glances in the direction of the voice, but Cas is not there. The loss of focus gives the eldest female the chance to jump him, knocking his knife from his hand.

They both dive to grab the fallen weapon but Dean, in his distracted and sleep-deprived state, is slightly too slow. As the demon stands before him, he makes one last attempt to grab the weapon from her, without success. She quickly attacks and he tries to block but is too late. Searing pain runs up his side.

Pushing the demon away, Dean falls to his knees, gasping for breath, wide-eyed as he stares at the knife protruding from his body.

 _This is it,_ Dean thinks, _I can’t believe this has happened – killed by my own weapon of all things._

The demon walks slowly back towards him, a sick smile on her face as Dean resigns himself to the thought that he will die here, alone save for a few demons, his brother not even knowing he’s in trouble.

Suddenly, the sound of thunder fills the air and the barn walls shake, there's a blinding flash of light, and Cas appears at the doorway to the barn; trench coat billowing behind him, dark wings raised and eyes glowing a bright white. Fury radiates from him. He lifts a hand and the bulbs in the nearby lamps burst as the three remaining demons that had been stalking towards Dean, drop to the floor.

It’s been years since Dean’s seen his angel look so angry – so _powerful_ – and if Dean wasn’t currently dying he’d probably be more than a little turned on.

Then Cas turns to him.

“Why are you being so _reckless_? Don’t you _want_ to live?” Cas pulls him up by his shirt collar and slams him against the nearby wall.

“Cas,” Dean rasps, with as much of a smirk as he can muster in his current state. “Careful, man, I’m dyin’ here.”

“You think this is funny?” Cas snarls, as he unceremoniously pulls the knife from Dean’s side and lets it drop to the ground with a loud clang. “I gave my _life_ for you and _this_ is how you repay me? By putting yourself in danger, _day_ after _day_? Do you have a death wish?”

Dean is struggling to breathe as the angel’s hand slides down his side to the rapidly growing dark spot on his t-shirt. A warm glow emits from Cas’ hand and Dean can feel his body stitching itself back together. Dean frowns as he glances down to where the hand is pressed to his side. This was new; his hallucinations had never actually _healed_ him before.

Still vibrating with fury, Cas releases his grip on Dean’s shoulder and the hunter falls to his knees, just as he hears hurried footsteps approaching from the side of the house.

“Dean!” comes Sam’s panicked cry as he rounds the corner, clearly having heard the commotion, before he stops dead in his tracks, his eyes wide. “Oh my God – _Cas_?” he chokes out, confusion and surprise evident on his features.

“Wait–” Dean gasps, his face immediately mirroring Sam’s confusion. “You can see him too?”

===

Dean awakes on his bed, in his and Sam’s motel room. It’s dark outside but there is a dim light radiating from the bed next to him where Sam sits watching a TV show on his laptop. He glances over to Dean when the other man sits up, running a hand through his hair.

“What happened?” Dean asks as he glances around the room casually.

“Er, well. Cas turned up,” Sam starts and Dean’s eyes widen in shock, his heartbeat speeding up.

“That was real?”

Sam lets out an awkward laugh before nodding. “Yep, totally real. Cas turned up and saved your ass because you were acting like a reckless idiot, as usual. I found you guys and you asked me if I could see Cas too, and when I confirmed that I could… you kinda passed out.”

Dean groans and drops back down onto the bed as he feels a blush spread across his cheeks.

“It woulda been funny, if it wasn’t so heartbreakingly pathetic,” Sam says with a small smile and Dean shoots him a glare over his pillow. “A real chick flick moment – apart from Cas didn’t catch you.”

Sam keeps talking but Dean has stopped listening, suddenly his mind is racing. He knows he should be glad to see Cas alive but there’s a sense of doubt settling inside him; if Cas had been alive this whole time, why hadn’t he come to see Dean sooner? It had been _months_ , why hadn’t he let Dean know he was okay?

Perhaps he was embarrassed about his confession? Thinking Dean didn’t feel the same way? But that doesn’t seem like Cas…

But then it hits Dean: Cas’ powers during the hunt. Cas is back to full-on angel. Perhaps he had actually been worried that Dean _did_ feel the same and he–

“Anyway, Cas is waiting outside. I think you guys should talk,” somehow, Sam’s words make it through Dean’s cloud of panicked thoughts. Seeing the look of alarm on his face, Sam continues. “I’ve already talked to him, Dean. He’s calmed down since the hunt, he was just worried about you.”

Before Dean can protest, Sam opens the motel room door and Cas walks in. All the fury Dean had witnessed from the angel during the hunt has vanished, and he now looks almost timid, much more like the Cas Dean had known recently than the one he had met in the barn all those years ago.

“Okay, well I’m gonna head out for some supplies, I’ll be back in an hour or two. You guys have a nice talk,” Sam smirks as he quickly slips out of the door, sending Dean a wink on his way.

The two men stand in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes before Dean decides to bite the bullet. He clears his throat awkwardly.

“Listen, Cas, I know we should probably talk about what you said before you- uh- died,” Dean says, feeling sick to his stomach at the thought of Cas’ death, despite the other man being very much alive in front of him. “But if it’s alright with you I’d rather not embarrass myself any further today. I wasn’t really sure exactly what you meant when you told me _what you told me_ before, but even if you meant what I-” he stops himself saying ‘hoped’. “Uh, what I _thought_ you might have meant, I understand that you don’t feel that now.”

“What are you talking about, Dean?” Cas asks, his eyes narrowing slightly.

“Well, before you left you said that–”

“I love you,” Cas interrupts, gesturing impatiently for Dean to speed up.

“Uh huh. And now you’re all–” Dean motions vaguely up and down Cas’ body and pulls a face that he hopes conveys his meaning. “You don’t feel that for me anymore. That’s why you didn’t come back.”

It’s more a statement than an actual question; Dean not really wanting confirmation of something he already knows to be true. Confirmation of the fact will only break his heart more.

Castiel is silent for a minute before responding.

“You think that because I have regained my grace fully, I am no longer in love with you?” he asks carefully, confusion evident on his face.

Dean gapes at him, confirmation that Cas _had_ meant _in_ love taking him slightly by surprise.

“Uh, yeah, basically,” he eventually responds weakly.

“Don’t be stupid.”

Dean blinks at Cas, his mouth opening and shutting several times without any words actually managing to make their way out, before he finally succeeds in spluttering, “Don’t- _What?_ ”

“Don’t be stupid,” Cas repeats, his eyes fierce as he takes a step towards Dean. “Of course I still love you. I will never _stop_ loving you, Dean. You are the only person – the only _being_ – I have ever felt this for and the only one I ever will. I loved you before I even knew what the feeling was – before I even knew I was _capable_ of it. Yes, becoming human was what made me _understand_ my love, but once I understood it I realised it had always been there. I am in love with you – no matter what form I take. Regaining my full grace could _never_ alter that fact.”

Dean is speechless, frozen in shock at Cas’ words, much like he had been after Cas’ confession in the bunker all those weeks ago. _What are you doing?_ A voice inside his head screams _. This is your chance to finally say something. If you don’t, you’ll regret it forever. Tell him how you feel before you lose him again!_

“Why didn’t you come back, then?” Dean begins, trying to keep his voice even, despite the hurt he’s feeling. “I’ve been a mess without you, Cas. I thought you were gone forever - that I’d never see you again! And now I find out you’ve been up in Heaven just _hanging out_ with Jack and the other angels all this time?” Dean regrets these words as soon as they tumble clumsily from his mouth; anger and insecurity hadn’t been the feelings he had wanted to express to Cas, but he just couldn’t seem to form the words he actually wanted to say.

“I’ve been doing a lot more than just ‘hanging out’, Dean,” Cas states solemnly, though the air quotes kind of undermine his seriousness. “I’ve been helping Jack rebuild Heaven. I had thought it important that our- that _your_ family get to spend eternity _together_ , instead of alone, reliving their old memories. Jack agreed with me. _That’s_ what I’ve spent the time I was gone doing.”

Dean doesn’t miss how Cas almost uses the term ‘ _our_ family’ and his heart melts a little. He files it away under things to come back to later, once this whole thing is (hopefully) resolved.

“But what about me, Cas?” Dean whispers, glancing up at Cas through his lashes. “I _needed_ you. I needed you and you weren’t here,” his voice breaks on the last word and he swallows heavily, willing himself not to cry.

Cas shuffles awkwardly. “I thought after what I told you, you would need some space. I thought you might not want me around anymore.”

“Of course I wanted you around,” Dean replies immediately. Angry, but mainly at himself for all he’d done in the past to make Cas think this. “But even if I _had_ needed space, don’t you think I would have liked to know that you weren’t dead?”

Cas looks ashamed now, his eyes fixed on his feet. “I am sorry, Dean,” he mumbles. “I didn’t think– I didn’t realise–”

“Did you not check on me?” Dean interrupts suddenly, insecurity rearing its head again as he moves off the bed to stare out of the motel room’s window.

“Of course I did. I’ve been checking in on you when you go on hunts, just to make sure you’re safe.”

“So you haven’t seen how I’ve been… the rest of the time?”

“No,” Cas says slowly. “Just the hunts. Dean, we’re going to have to talk about how reckless you’re being. You’re lucky you always have Sam looking out for you, but still, if I hadn’t stepped in today you could have died.”

It is at this point that Dean snaps. “I’m not ‘ _being reckless_ ’, you absolute idiot. I’ve been going fucking mad with grief! I can’t sleep, I can barely eat, and I’m freakin’ _hallucinating_ all the time! That’s why I’ve been messing up so much on hunts. I thought I’d never see you again – I missed you so much I’ve gone fucking insane.”

Cas stands there, silent, as he tries to take in everything Dean has just told him.

When he eventually speaks, he sounds completely heartbroken for having caused Dean such pain. “I am truly sorry, Dean. I guess I just thought… I’ve died before and you’ve coped fine. I didn’t realise this time it would have such a profound effect on you.”

 _This time?_ For a moment, Dean says nothing, wondering how it’s possible for Cas to think his death was _ever_ no big loss; that there had ever been a time when Dean had been without Cas and had ‘coped fine’.

“Do you really think so little of yourself?” Dean almost sobs.

“Dean,” Cas says gently, a sad smile gracing his features.

“No, Cas,” Dean interrupts, as the voice in his head whispers _now or never – quick, before you lose your nerve!_ “You got to have your big speech before you fucked off up to Heaven without telling me – well now it’s my turn to speak. I have not ‘ _coped fine_ ’ with your death – I have never coped fine! Ask Sam, ask Jack, ask _anyone_. Ask them what I’m like when you’re gone. I’m a goddamn wreck, man, I can barely function! And every time I lose you it only gets harder. And this time – after what you said before – _Jesus_ , Cas! How could you expect me to just move on from that?”

Dean had been pacing the room as he said his piece, but with this question, he comes to a stop in front of Cas, a couple of meters between them. “I know the last few years have been tough, I know I haven’t appreciated you like I should’ve. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have said – things I didn’t mean. _So many_ things I didn’t mean, man. And there are so many other things I _should_ have said to you that I haven’t… I’m sorry, Cas. For making it seem like I didn’t care, for all the shit I’ve put you through that you’ve forgiven without question. You’re so selfless, I don’t deserve you.”

He has moved closer to Cas now; so close that the tips of their boots are touching, their faces mere inches away from each other. “I know how much you do for me and I’ve never even thanked you. So here I go, Cas. Thank you, for everything. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel unwanted, unloved, that’s _never_ something I wanted you to feel. You are a part of my family, and always will be.”

 _This is it, time to ask for the one thing you’ve always been too scared to ask for._ A tear runs down Dean’s cheek as he reaches forward to grip at the sleeve of Cas’ trench coat lightly. “Please, Cas, don’t leave me again. I need you… I love you.”

Cas is very still for a moment, his eyes wide as he just stares at Dean, speechless, before the penny finally drops and he surges forward to close the gap between them.

Dean’s heart is hammering in his chest and his hands are shaking as he grips at Cas’ trench coat, pulling him closer. The kiss is clumsy but, Dean thinks, it couldn’t be more perfect.

He feels as if he’s been waiting his entire life for this one moment and he never wants it to end but, while the angel may not require such things, Dean has to pull back to let out a shaky breath.

When Castiel smiles shyly at him, his hand still tangled lightly in Dean’s hair, Dean thinks he has never seen anything more beautiful, and as he gazes into Cas’ bright eyes, Dean knows he’s finally found his true happiness.

===

***

===

On the 24th of January, 2021, Dean awakes to the sound of his bedroom door quietly opening and closing again. He opens one eye to find a sleep-rumpled Castiel, his hair sticking in every direction, clothed in one of Dean’s plaid shirts and a pair of pyjama pants, carrying a steaming cup of coffee towards him.

 _What a sight to wake up to on my birthday_ , Dean thinks, a warm feeling erupting in his chest as he gazes at the beautiful man before him.

“Happy birthday, Dean,” Cas smiles as he reclaims his place next to Dean on the bed.

“Forty-two,” Dean sighs, sitting up in bed and taking the warm cup out of Cas’ hands with a chuckle. “Never thought I’d live to see the day.”

Cas frowns and slaps Dean’s shoulder, never a fan of these sort of jokes.

“Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, y'know,” Dean continues and Cas shoots him a bored look. “Oh, we are _so_ watching Hitchhiker’s Guide today!”

Cas rolls his eyes but places a small kiss against Dean’s temple. “Anything you want,” he tells the younger man. “It’s your birthday.”

“Yeah, it is,” Dean grins cheekily, placing his mug on the bedside table. “So where’s my birthday kiss?”

Cas brings his hand up to rest against Dean’s neck as he slowly leans in, pressing his lips gently against Dean’s. The kiss is soft and sweet, so different to their first all those weeks ago, but every time they kiss Dean feels the same electricity he had the first time – the same sensation that this is just _right_. Dean knows that even if he lives to see a hundred, he will never grow tired of kissing Castiel.

Deepening the kiss, Dean rolls on top of Cas, eventually moving away from his lips to kiss and suck at his neck and, unbuttoning his shirt, he begins to kiss down his chest.

“Dean– Dean!” Cas laughs, pushing Dean away slightly, despite Dean’s protests. “Sam and Eileen are making breakfast and Jack’s already here - playing with Miracle, of course. They’re all waiting for you in the kitchen.”

“Let ‘em wait,” Dean says with a playful smirk and a raised eyebrow. “It’s my birthday… and you did say ‘anything I wanted’,” Cas laughs again but Dean’s face grows serious. “And Castiel,” he murmurs, fiddling with the small, shimmering vial hanging round his neck. “There is nothing in this world I’ve ever wanted more than you.”

Cas’ eyes glisten with tears of happiness as he moves in to recapture Dean’s lips.

===

Dean Winchester had never expected to make it to forty-two, but somehow, against all odds, he was still here. Somehow, against all odds, he had overcome the destiny laid out for him. He had found love, family; everything he had ever wanted.

Dean Winchester was finally free, he was finally _happy_.

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday ambra, my love. i hope you have a really fantastic day and i hope you enjoy this fic. thought you might like to celebrate your birthday alongside our favourite boy's! feel blessed to have a friend like you and i thank dean winchester for bringing us together so many years ago! ;) can't believe we're still angsting over him now haha. ly x


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